By definition a conversation involves both talking and listening, and it’s the listening part that many people don’t do very well. There are some people who wouldn’t listen at all if they didn’t think it was their turn to talk next.
Good listening requires our undivided attention. We shouldn’t listen with a view to deciding what we’re going to say when it does become our turn, but rather with a view to understanding exactly what the other person is saying. Nor should we fall into the trap of hearing only the first few words of a sentence and then anticipating its finish, because a twist at the end of what the other person is saying might cause us to miss their real message.
Good listeners aren’t only popular, they learn things. When we’re talking we can only repeat what we know, but when we’re listening we learn what other people know, and good listening requires more than just hearing words. We have to watch for non-verbal clues about how the other person is feeling, such as body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. When we hear generalities we should ask specific questions; that way we’re more apt to find out what’s really intended. Now let’s turn to the other side of a conversation, which is when we’re talking.
Dale Carnegie, in his iconic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, wrote that the Golden Rule of conversation is to talk in terms of the other person’s interests. To earn a reputation as a good conversationalist we have to talk about the things the people we’re conversing with are interested in..
It’s always a good idea to ask questions that the other person will be comfortable answering, such as about their family, work, and hobbies. This sometimes means we need to pretend to learn things we already know. Even if we get found out we’ll be appreciated for our diplomacy and tact.
We shouldn’t overreact when people make comments that contradict our views. We should simply ask, “Why do you feel that way?” It’s always a good idea to consider even hostile questions we are asked as just requests for information; and when hearing a complaint we should recognize that it may be legitimate. Another important thing to remember about conversations is that until we know someone extremely well it’s best to avoid discussing politics and religion.
Finally, smart alecks are never popular. A clever retort should always be sacrificed for the sake of another person’s feelings. An ounce of “don’t say it” is worth a ton of “I’m sorry.” This caution particularly applies to angry words; it’s always easier to swallow them now than to eat them later.