Some people are born with the gift of gab, which has been defined as “the ability to speak easily and confidently in a way that makes people want to listen to and believe you.” The rest of us have to work at being good conversationalists.
The first thing to remember is that a conversation is a dialogue, not a monologue. Motor-mouths who make it difficult for others get a word in edgewise will never be considered good conversationalists, and neither will know-it-alls. It’s always better to ask some of the questions than to be providing all the answers; indeed, it’s often a good idea to pretend to learn things we already know. In some situations all that’s needed to be considered a good conversationalist is to be an attentive listener.
We always have to guard against the slip of the tongue, an unintentional faux pas that often gets people in trouble. As some wag once put it, “the tongue, being wet, is prone to slip.” This usually happens when we’re talking to people we don’t know well. Until we get to really know someone we should be circumspect in our comments.
Overly clever remarks can also be a problem. A clever retort should always be sacrificed for the sake of someone’s feelings. Real wit (a very rare skill) should be the seasoning of a conversation, not the main course.
Some people do just fine once a conversation gets going, but find it difficult to initiate one. Asking a question is the best way to start a conversation, even if it’s only “Have you ever seen such lousy weather?” Asking questions is also a good way to keep a conversation going, and it’s often better to ask a question than to make a statement. For example, it’s a lot better to ask, “Why do you support that candidate?” rather than saying, “I don’t understand how you could vote for such a jerk.”
But a few words of caution here. Good conversationalists ask questions people are happy to answer, not ones that make them uncomfortable or antagonistic. Furthermore, we’re not going to carry on an enjoyable conversation if we sound like a lawyer cross-examining someone; besides asking questions we have to make contributions to the conversation.
How we say something can be as important as the words we use. Always use a friendly tone of voice (remember we’re talking about conversations here, not debates). Most of the friction of daily living is caused by the wrong tone of voice. It sometimes takes a lot of discipline to control our tone of voice, but it’s always worth the effort. It’s a lot easier to swallow angry words now than to have to eat them later. Two useful techniques in this respect are: consider even hostile questions as simply requests for information; and when receiving a complaint, treat it as legitimate.
One of the most important rules in Dale Carnegie’s timeless book How to Win Friends and Influence People is to become genuinely interested in them, which is also a key component in becoming a good conversationalist. People like to talk about what’s important to them; and what’s important to them is whatever is going on in their lives at the particular time, regardless of how unimportant it may seem to us. A person’s toothache is more important to them than your broken arm.
Although we shouldn’t take it to the point where people will think we have no ideas, convictions, or interesting experiences of our own, to the extent possible it’s better to talk about things other people want to talk about rather than talking about ourselves. As someone once aptly put it, there’s no need to talk about yourself, others will do that when you leave the room.
We all like to be appreciated, so sincere praise will always be more effective than criticism. Saying nothing is usually better in a social conversation than criticism.
Adhering to the above suggestions won’t always guarantee an enjoyable conversation. There will always be times when we may be saying all the right things in the right way but the other person, for whatever reason, simply isn’t interested. So we shouldn’t become disheartened when our best efforts fall short.
When all else fails, ask about the dog.