I played golf for thirty-five years before I realized that, in my case, golf really was a good walk spoiled. Here are ten reasons why I quit playing.
Chambly Golf Club, Chambly, Quebec: Putted only twenty-seven times playing the full eighteen holes, but my final score was 135.
Tam O’Shanter Golf Club, Toronto: Swung so hard on my first drive of the season that I missed the ball completely, turned a half summersault and landed flat on my back.
Stanhope Golf Club, Stanhope, PEI: After losing balls in the water on three consecutive holes, as I teed up on the next hole, where the only water in sight was behind me, I commented, “at least I won’t be in the water on this one.” Then I topped the ball, it hit one of the tee markers, bounced behind me, and rolled into the water.
Green Gables Golf Course, Cavendish, PEI: On a hole with a very narrow fairway for the first fifty yards or so, with the path from the previous green about twenty-five yards out on the left side, before teeing off I suggested to the golfers waiting there that, because I was a left-handed golfer who usually sliced, they should move over to the right side of the fairway. They all did. I hooked my drive right into them. Fortunately no one was injured, especially me.
Stanhope Golf Club, Stanhope, PEI: On a hole running along the highway, sliced my drive into the back of a passing dump truck.
Stanhope Golf Club, Stanhope, PEI: I was so frustrated after butchering four holes that I sold my clubs to a guy from Texas for $100 and just walked the course with my fellow players as they finished their round. While we were having lunch in the club house, the club pro came over to our table and told me that when the Texan finished his round he told the pro what had happened, said he figured the seller would want the clubs back after he cooled off, and sold them to the pro for $100. I bought them back for the same amount. When I asked the pro how he knew it was me who had sold the clubs to the Texan, he simply said, “Who else would it be?”
Green Gables Golf Course, Cavendish, PEI: Threw my seven iron so far into the woods that we couldn’t find it.
Belvedere Golf Club, Charlottetown, PEI: Sliced an eight iron shot so badly that it narrowly missed the bishop of the archdiocese of Charlottetown as he was, safely he thought, entering the club house.
Rosedale Golf Club, Toronto: I decided to take some lessons. The pro had me hit a dozen or so balls under his watchful eye. He then said, “Mr. MacInnis, you must have the best hand-eye co-ordination in the world.” When I proudly asked why, he replied, “Because with that swing, there’s no way you should be able to even come close to hitting the ball.”
Crowbush Golf Club, Lakeside, PEI: Lost my last ball on the eighth hole. On the eleventh hole, my playing partners refused to lend me any more balls. This was in 1993. I walked off the course swearing that I’d never play golf again. I haven’t.