Every now and then, instead of hanging up on telemarketers I try to annoy them as much as they annoy me. Here are transcripts of two such engagements that took place a few years ago when we still had a landline.
DUCT CLEANING
Me: Hello.
T: Could I speak to Mr. or Mrs. MacInnis.
Me: Yes.
After about fifteen seconds of silence. T: Is this Mr. MacInnis?
Me: Yes.
T: How are you today?
Me: Fine. Would you like to know how Mrs. MacInnis is?
T: That won’t be necessary, I ..….
Me (interrupting him): That’s not very nice of you.
T: What’s not very nice?
Me: Not caring how Mrs. MacInnis is. Just hang on, I’ll get her.
I let the silence hang for about ten seconds and then continued. Me: Sorry, but Mrs. MacInnis says she’s too busy to come to the phone.
T: That’s all right, Mr. MacInnis. I’ll talk to you. We’re offering a special in your neighbourhood this week on duct cleaning.
Me: We don’t have any ducks.
T: No, no. DUCTS, not ducks.
Me: Like I said, we don’t have any ducks. We have a cat though. But I think cats clean themselves just fine. Don’t you? Do you have a cat? Maybe a dog?
T: No, I don’t. But I’m talking about, d-u-c-T-s; not d-u-c-K-s.
Me: D-u-c-T-s?
T: Yes.
Me: That’s a strange way to spell ducks. But, like I said, we don’t have any ducks. We don’t even have a budgie. Do you clean budgies?
T: It’s DUCTS we clean! DUCTS!
Me: What sucks?
T: It’s DUCTS! DUCTS!
Me: I can’t imagine ducks could suck. I suppose they might be able to nip.
T: We’re offering a deal to clean your air ducts, sir.
Me: Even if we had air ducks, whatever kind of ducks they are, we’d never let them get dirty
T: You clearly don’t understand.
Me: OK. I’ll get Mrs. MacInnis, everyone says she’s much more understanding than I am. Just hang on.
Dial tone.
WINDOWS AND DOORS
Me: Hello.
T: Is this Mr. MacInnis?
Thinking I may as well get right into it this time, I said: Yes.
T: Very good. How are you today?
Me: I’m fine, thanks. Your voice sounds very familiar. Are you Dave Schneck?
T: No, sir.
Me: Are you sure you’re not Dave Schneck? Did you go to school in Liebenthal, Saskatchewan?
T: I’m sure I’m not Dave Schneck, Mr. MacInnis.
Me: Nah, you can’t fool me. I’d recognize that voice anywhere. Why are you calling, Dave.
After a slight pause, T: Mr. MacInnis, we have a special offer on windows and doors right now.
Me: I’m sorry Dave, but we don’t have any windows or doors for sale.
T: No, no. WE are selling windows and doors.
Me: Have you been doing that for long, Dave?
T: Yes. In fact we’ve been in business for over twenty years and, as I said, we have a special offer right now.
Me: Wow! Twenty years. That’s a long time. How did you get from Liebenthal into that business here in Toronto, Dave?
T: I … I…. I… would you like to hear about our offer?
Me: No, Dave. Do you remember Doris Hefner?
(It’s a testimony to the monumental perseverance of telemarketers that “Dave” didn’t quit at this point.)
T: (trying a new tack): How old are your windows and doors, Mr. MacInnis?
Me: Well, Dave, I guess they’re about the same age as the house.
T: How old is that?
Me: Sorry, Dave, I don’t know.
T: How long have you owned the house?
Me: Since we bought it, Dave. Do you remember Scotty Schroeder?
Another pause on the line, then T: No. Maybe it’s time you had your doors and windows replaced.
Me: Why’s that Dave?
T: Well, doors and windows tend to wear with age and get drafty and unreliable.
Me: I don’t remember feeling any drafts, Dave. Let me call Mrs. MacInnis and see if she’s felt any drafts.
T: OK.
A long, silent pause.
T: You said you were going to call Mrs. MacInnis.
Me: Yes, Dave, but I can’t call her unless you hang up.
T: Why’s that?
Me: Because she’s out shopping, Dave, and I have to call her on her cell phone. I don’t have a cell phone so you’ll have to hang up before I can call her.
“Dave” finally hung up. and didn’t call back.
I enjoyed myself so much that I’m almost looking forward to the next call.